'My Boyfriend Isn't Interested in Helping Me Out'

Photo-Illustration: Stevie Remsberg/Getty Images

Dear Polly,

I am not particularly interested in marriage. For me (and merely for me, I realize people vary widely on this), marriage makes the most sense for couples who want to have kids, and that's something I am sure I don't want. So, while my dude and I have been dating for nearly five years, conversations nigh commitment haven't come up upward a lot. I suppose I thought that he, like me, was interested in the long-term relationship part without some of the formal arrangements (wedding, kids) most people do.

He moved in with me almost two years ago, which was sort of the beginning of our problem. I had purchased a home just to be laid off a year after. That transition ended upwardly being peachy for my emotional well-existence — I'm a freelance graphic designer and I dear it, but I don't make annihilation like the kind of money I was making before. I've come to depend on his half of the mortgage to make the payments on time. I'm still self-sufficient — I've never asked him for money, though he's certainly heard me complain/worry about my finances. He has a job that pays well, and over the by year and a half, I've gone through periods of resenting him for non offer to assistance when, for instance, my health insurance went upwardly by several hundred dollars a month. It's nothing I would ever want him to feel obligated to do, but it feels similar something where, if the shoe were on the other foot, I would desire to help him.

But I didn't say anything about it because I was afraid information technology would audio like I was asking him for money, or I expected him to support me. I figured he was only a very independent person with that stuff. A few months ago, his sister was going through a rough time and he co-signed a lease then she could move out of her situation (she has terrible credit) and threw himself into helping her pack and motility and get ready up in the new place. To be clear, I think this is a fantastic trait in a person. I Want to be with someone who shows up selflessly for his family like that. But it besides made articulate 1 painful reality: He doesn't run into me as his family.

He claims that this isn't the example, but it's non borne out by any evidence. When he talks about problems within his family, he refers to them as "our" problems; there'south a sense of shared responsibility. And while I think his family sometimes asks also much from him (he's frequently the rescuer/trouble solver/developed in the room), I appreciate that he's e'er willing to spring in and aid.

So the other day I asked him what he would do if he were a millionaire and I wanted to do something that didn't make much coin. Would he be willing to support me if it wouldn't injure him in any meaning financial way? Or is the principle of financial independence more important to him than, say, me working on a creative project I really intendance almost?

You lot tin can probably estimate but by virtue of the fact that I'chiliad writing you. He would non. "Because of the principle of it." He said if I got really sick or something and needed him to embrace my expenses for a while, he would, simply seemed to admit it grudgingly.

I accept no thought what to think about this. My gut tells me that it'due south but fucked up — that I've been with someone for five years who doesn't think of me equally family unit, and doesn't want to. My encephalon doesn't understand what the problem is: I'm not the type to inquire to borrow money — possibly to a error — and I've never, EVER, pictured myself being financially dependent on a significant other. I don't want to exist in that position and would practise about annihilation to avert it.

Nevertheless, knowing that he wouldn't assist hurts. If our (hypothetical) roles were reversed and I was the millionaire, I would take then much fun helping my family and friends with what they needed. Information technology wouldn't exist a question. Then at present I accept to decide what to practise near the fact that I would do something for him that he wouldn't practice for me.

As someone who has read many letters along these lines, maybe y'all will not exist surprised that this isn't just almost coin. I feel similar he goes out of his style to keep me at arm'south length. He seems apathetic well-nigh our relationship unless I'k aroused at him well-nigh something and so he either tries to say whatever he needs to in order to make me less mad, or he storms off by himself and nosotros don't talk about it for the residuum of the dark. Nosotros're currently in couple'south therapy and trying to work through this, but that's only because I bugged the shit out of him. He hates going. In short, I retrieve he would be perfectly happy pretending all of this is fine and avoiding conflict or serious word for the rest of our lives.

That said, it'due south non the first fourth dimension I've felt like a partner (or friend or family fellow member) didn't "dearest me enough." I know this has, at to the lowest degree in part, to practice with the style I grew up and I have merely started seeing a therapist on my ain to effigy out how much of this is my shit and how much is our relationship'due south shit. I'm worried that if I intermission up with him, I'll observe out that he wasn't the problem, I was ever the problem and will take concluded a relationship with, truly, 1 of the best people I've always known over my b.s.

On peak of that, I actually Can'T afford my mortgage without him paying half — my house is a one-bedroom (thus too small for a roommate I'k not literally sleeping in the aforementioned bed as), plus I'm a 35-twelvemonth-old graphic-design nerd who doesn't drinkable or do drugs and is generally uncool. And I'm dating a guy who gets me and loves me and is kind to me. I worry that if we intermission up, I won't detect that again and I'll regret catastrophe things over a stupid hypothetical that probably won't ever happen.

What should I do, Polly? I've been going effectually and around near this for months, and I'm tired and scared and sad. Delight aid.

Sincerely,

Not a Millionaire

Dear NAM,

Even though you feel similar you lot're at an impasse, y'all and your beau lucifer in many ways. Yous're both incredibly afraid of honest, open communication, direct statements of demand and desire, messiness, compromise, and collaboration. You both prefer to experience contained, in control, and rubber from the uncertainties and unknowns of the world.

You left a total-time job so yous could work from home, in a i-sleeping accommodation house that you purchased by yourself. Yous've flourished in your new life as a freelance graphic artist, in part because life is more relaxing when you don't have to bargain with other people'due south personalities all day long. You lot're a self-proclaimed nerd who likes to get stuff done in isolation. Let me be clear in example that sounds stigmatizing at all: Fifty-fifty though I'm an extrovert in many means, I'm also a lot like you. I love to work hard on my own, without interruptions. I didn't really enjoy work, in fact, until I had the solitude to enjoy it.

When it comes to finances, you've never wanted to feel dependent on anyone else. So when your health-insurance costs increased and things got tough, you didn't ask for help. Instead, you presented this hypothetical scenario to your fellow: If you were a millionaire, would you share with me? The respond devastated you: He wouldn't.

It's understandable that yous'd ask. But information technology's as well telling that THIS is how you're choosing to talk about something that has already been getting under your skin for a long time. You wanted to accept a clean, controlled, abstract chat about something that's very messy and emotional. You lot chose to discuss a hypothetical rather than address reality.

In other words, your beau is keeping y'all at arm'south length, and you're keeping him at arm'southward length, also. You've both wanted to brand sure that at that place was no confusion around boundaries, no unexpected disturbances in The Force. And even though you might believe that no 1 has actually loved you enough, yous should examine whether or not you've given your love as freely as you retrieve you have. Because I'm guessing that yous don't similar to be needed.

This is something I've been looking at in myself a lot lately. Whenever I feel a little neglected, which is a articulatio genus-jerk reaction of mine when I'm down, I effort to inquire myself what kind of relationship I've established with the person in question. Even when I'chiliad thinking, I would never act the way she's acting! I would want to show up and be generous!, it's not difficult to see why a lot of people would feel me every bit remote or rejecting, based on the style I operate from day to solar day. I need a lot of time alone. I don't check in with people that often.

So fifty-fifty though I might occasionally feel like I desire more from someone, I don't consistently give equally much as I could. I'm not saying that should alter, but at the very least, my historical bad attitude near other people's lack of generosity needs to change, considering I'thou not that nowadays or that available or that consistent myself.

I'thou mentioning this not considering I think your boyfriend is perfect and you're to arraign for things, but because I think yous have to look closely at the relationship you used to desire versus the relationship you want right now. My sense is that your needs and desires are changing as yous get older. But if you want more from your boyfriend, you're going to have to stick your cervix out, brand yourself vulnerable, and cartel to state, straight, that yous desire more than. Because what I know almost you lot, that's not going to be that like shooting fish in a barrel for y'all to practice — which is why yous have to recognize your reticence and your distaste for confrontation going into information technology.

You too take to recognize that your fellow's rigid boundaries brand a certain kind of sense. He has utterly porous boundaries with his family, to the point where he feels obligated to "rescue" his sister and have on her fiscal obligations. My estimate is that he's a very blackness-and-white person who doesn't similar to experience out of control, and so he tends to either give way too much or zippo at all. When someone in his family needs something, he steps in and fixes information technology. He doesn't sit down with them get-go and have a complicated, involved chat almost what should happen next. Instead, he just ACTS. He SAVES. He FIXES. He doesn't feel like he has the selection to do otherwise. He doesn't feel comfy Asking FOR EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTS.

Likewise, you would rather become into debt trying to pay your own expensive health-insurance bills than have a brief conversation with your beau in which you could run the risk of implying that you lot want him to support you in some small-scale way. Y'all say that you would hate to exist financially dependent on a pregnant other and y'all "would do almost anything to avoid it." You don't experience comfortable ASKING FOR EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT.

Historically, yous accept both wanted to stay in control at all costs. You haven't wanted to wade into difficulties and see what happens adjacent. You lot've established clear, potent boundaries, even when those boundaries showtime to feel rigid and prevent you from feeling connected, loved, adored, understood, respected.

And then now you lot're furious over a hypothetical. And he'due south drawing a line in the sand using a hypothetical. This film is all about fear and control.

But that'due south not how real-life relationships work. In fact, the more you try to exert control and avoid the things you lot fear, the more frightening and out of control your human relationship starts to feel. When two people refuse to expose themselves, tell the truth, admit to irrational desires, and humbly inquire for exactly what they desire, their relationship ofttimes devolves into chaos and distrust. Both partners try to stay rubber, yet both partners only feel more agape and avoidant and confused.

When y'all alive with someone for a long time and you love them a lot, crazy shit comes up that tests both of yous. It'south not possible to keep things clean and controlled in a existent-world relationship. Both partners want things, very naturally, that are not logical. Both humans become extremely inconvenient and taxing to each other from fourth dimension to time.

Humans are strange. We want things that are embarrassing. Nosotros want things that we don't feel like nosotros deserve, sometimes. Nosotros desire them in spite of all logical reasons we tin can come up upwards with Non to desire them. Accepting that fact and forgiving it in yourself and others is an of import role of building love and trust and a satisfying life with someone else.

And nothing is more divine than giving something to someone you love that's slightly illogical or almost unjustified. Nothing is more divine than asking for what you want and getting information technology, even though you're probably non remotely worthy of it. Nothing is better than feeling free to say, out loud, I NEED A Calendar week OFF FROM DISHES or I WOULD Beloved A BACKRUB EVEN THOUGH I Haven'T GIVEN You lot I IN A WHILE AND THAT'S STUPID AND I'M STUPID BUT I WANT ONE ANYWAY or Tin can YOU Sit Hither FOR A Minute WHILE I COMPLAIN ABOUT MY JOB IN THE MOST TEDIOUS Fashion IMAGINABLE?

Right now my husband is golfing. I don't like golf and I don't even like the idea of golfing, in principle. At that place was a very scrappy public golf course right next to my business firm growing upwardly. The guys who golfed there were not rich guys. But they nonetheless wore pastel-colored golf shirts and they sometimes acted pissy when we kids harmlessly stood near the gigantic swath of grass designed for their dumb leisure activity, usually because they causeless we'd stolen their balls (a common male person paranoia!), so I quite logically concluded that golf was stupid and golfers were assholes.

Now imagine that you asked me 15 years agone, "Hey, if your time to come hubby regularly took the day off from piece of work and left dishes in the sink and neglected multiple pesky tasks around the house simply and then he could put on an ugly shirt and swing a golf club for a few hours among other white men in ugly shirts, how would y'all feel about that?" I would probably tell you that just based on principle, I would never marry such a human being.

But my hubby needs what he needs. He likes the ugly shirts, even afterward I inform him solemnly that they are hideous and bad. He has a very good golf swing, and when I go golfing with him (I do like to drive the cart!), other golfers often admire his amazing swing and admire the mode he puts that stupid-ass ball downwards exactly where he intends information technology to go. Typically I don't care where the fucking ball goes, I'm just driving the cart and eating Salsa Verde Doritos and bad hot dogs and icy cold cans of Coke and also a Snickers bar, a 4-class golfing meal, all the while driving erratically. I like to eat the worst things as a reward for being there, listening to him prattle on about nine-irons and v-irons and current of air and sand and slanting grass and who gives a shit?

Simply when we have to share the course with another ugly-shirt-wearing pair (yuck!) and talk to them (terrible!), I practise appreciate how they eventually warm upwardly to my husband's incredibly magical swing and his excellence as a golfer (when he isn't sucking, which does happen on and off, otherwise he would've left me to join the tour years ago). I capeesh their appreciation of his skills, since I don't give a fuck myself and can't even tell where the tiny cursed ball landed in the starting time place.

I dearest my stupid hubby, is the point. Principle and control and abstracts take nothing to do with it. He loves golf game, so I dear golf a tiny bit. I love the very short green grass a lot. I honey a bad hot dog. I love my dumb handsome husband swinging his stupid overpriced clubs in the sunshine.

I'm non saying your partner deserves such blind adoration, not at all. The idea that he GOES OUT OF HIS Fashion to go on y'all at arm's length seems unfair. And too this: "He seems apathetic about our relationship unless I'm aroused at him about something and so he either tries to say any he needs to in social club to brand me less mad, or he storms off past himself and we don't talk about information technology for the rest of the night." He sounds very rigid and distant and controlling.

Simply I do recollect there is a slight chance that he'due south a good person who simply needs to open and recognize that he tends to give all or nothing and act on principle and maintain command at the expense of feeling his way through life and staying flexible. This sounds familiar to me. I have family unit members like this! As a result, I know that good people tin also be extreme control freaks. Right or wrong, he is afraid of putting you in the same category every bit his family. He might KNOW right now that he will never, e'er, see you equally a part of his family, and if that's the example, he should tell you. But he is too the kind of person who might SAY such a matter and so regret it. He's someone who probably says stuff he regrets a lot, because he'southward not that expert at feeling his feelings. He thinks "What is logical here?" and so strings together words that have nothing whatsoever to do with how he feels in his heart.

Staying with your young man probably won't be that like shooting fish in a barrel even if he does concede that he should be more than flexible and more supportive. Rigid people are a crude ride. I guess I do wonder if you haven't grown out of this relationship. Considering it seems to me that, even though the two of you match right now, you might've been someone who was much more than fluid and sensitive and needy in the past, and you grew into someone who exerted more and more control over her life and her circumstances in order to gene out scary, chaotic shit and dysfunctional people and unknowns. That process is natural. But now you're asking yourself what you really desire, how you lot actually desire to live, and whether or non this relationship is plenty for you. You want more generosity and affection now. That is a real and pure demand, and you should take information technology seriously.

If your boyfriend can face himself and yous can face yourself, information technology could work. He might come up to recognize how much he struggles with control and voicing his truest feelings and come to see how those things stand in the manner of his most generous urges and his happiness. Merely if he keeps you at arm's length over and over and never seems remotely inclined to alter that, I would ask yourself if you can really stay with someone who doesn't friction match how big and bright and shiny you're becoming, at present that you finally experience safe enough to be open up to the world. (That's the funny matter nearly working from home. For some of us, it brings just enough security and peace that we can finally become out and face the earth once more instead of retreating.)

I wouldn't worry about the risk of not finding someone better or not being able to beget your house anymore. You'll meet new people who excite you, trust me, and you lot tin can take on more work or take a side gig and get through this. Find that you're in the addiction of defining what you don't want instead of examining what you want with all of your heart. It's time to follow your centre instead of living within of your fear.

But the biggest question right now is: Are you ready to ask for exactly what y'all desire? Are you set to hear your fellow inquire for exactly what HE wants? That doesn't mean y'all have to give it, listen y'all. Giving or not giving is non the principal point of this exercise. The main point is for you both to wade into the muck together. Once you lot do that, one time you get messy together and it'southward embarrassing and yous're ashamed of the things you both want and demand and hope for in spite of yourselves, that's when the real relationship begins.

Embracing what you desire is always a lilliputian dirty and gross, but it's also satisfying, like eating Salsa Verde Doritos in the bright sunshine. This is your life. You can exercise whatsoever you want. What do you want the most? Say information technology out loud. Information technology will surprise you how brave and happy and unafraid you feel when yous exercise that.

Polly

Order the Ask Polly book, How to Be a Person in the Globe, hither. Got a question for Polly? Electronic mail askpolly@nymag.com. Her advice column volition appear here every Wednesday.

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'My Swain Isn't Interested in Helping Me Out'